A Letter to my baby

To my baby: It's strange being back at work without you. For 19 months, we spent almost every moment together. I remember sitting at my desk and feeling you move in my belly. I had no idea what a special, silly and amazing little person you would become. I still sometimes reach down to my belly but you aren't there anymore.

My heart breaks when I leave you in the morning, I hate seeing you cry and I hate thinking of you crying when I'm not there to console you. Sometimes I wish you were still small enough to carry you around inside of me at work, but I know you need to grow and I need to let you. This is hard on both of us, but I hope it's harder on me and I hope you aren't feeling the pain that I'm feeling. People told me that going back to work would be hard but it would get better, and I hope that's true. I like working most of the time, and I hope you like school.  I wish I could ask you how you're doing and you could tell me that you're happy there and that you have fun.

Sometimes when we were together all the time, I felt like we needed a break. But even after five minutes away from you I felt the break was long enough. I hope I'm doing the right thing and working towards our future, a bright future, for our whole family. We want you to grow up in a nice house, in a great neighborhood, go to wonderful schools, and enroll in the college of your dreams. Me going to work now will help all of that happen.

I promise to cherish the moments we have together instead of wishing for more. I promise you that I'm thinking of you all the time and I promise that if you ever need me I'll be there in a moments notice, since you are right down the street from me, the only place I could fathom having you stay all day- within a 5 minute walk away.

Sometimes I come by and nurse you, and sometimes I stay and play for 30 minutes, letting you show me all of your favorite toys. You smile at your teachers but always crawl back into my arms. 

I know this will get easier, less painful and more fun. And know that no matter what happens, that I love you more than you can imagine, my sweet baby.

I was so happy to find that when I picked her up that afternoon she was happy and playing with her classmates, but it's still hard on me. Thanks for letting me be totally honest.